How was your weekend? A question I casually ask my co-worker on Monday morning. But the question rotates in my head, it is an iceberg, and its actually aggressively flopping over on some unexpected kayakers… ok lol maybe not quite that dramatic.

But- I am going to say it. I found the weekend to be stressful. The mad delayed mad rush. The panicky moments. The division. The lack of belonging. I don’t want to do a minute catalogue/bitch fest… Deep down I feel lost. This isn’t where I am supposed to be. I want so much more.

I want my own home, and not someone else’s. Not someone else’s fucking moods or ideas. Captain of my own ship. Dang.

I might have googled cheapest houses in Canada lol yes I know thats a 6 months old article

I’m so tired of not feeling at home where I live/sleep.

I’m so tired of re-reading my previous journals etc and seeing how there has been a constant undercurrent of goddamned fuckery running through basically the entire thing… I feel so uncomfortable outside of my own retreat all the time ☹

Bah humbug. Is this the Mondays?

I guess my current feels are looking forward to not living with crazy. Not having the immediacy and sheer overwhelming loudness of the children, and my resentment for how much work they create for me and how many friggin times I have to ask them to do things or just do them myself. I want to be alone. I am tired. Everything feels like too much all the time and always the possibility of freedom and contentment like the beginnings of mountains in the distance. But after years of driving they don’t seem to get closer…

Ok fine I’m depressed as fuck about my life.

The joy starts when I shut my door and settle in with the furry creatures and the threads and let the tv just go. 😊 tea, liquor, doesn’t matter when I’m in the zone. Heck a full bottle of water is the main need ❤ I been letting Archer play, and the Office. Last night I think I watched like 4 episodes of Myths & Monsters. Well listened as I was watching my work.

Area Stark loves this quilt so much. She kept climbing onto the spot I was working on and I didn’t want to peel/roll her off but come on little lady lol

The back. I’ll admit it I have no idea what I am doing weeee😁

So the highlight of my weekend occurred when the world fucked off. I foresee myself finding a cabin in the woods- far the fuck away from people destroying the planet and literally everything else. All of it. Shhh

I’ve had enough. A little hurt. A little raw. Blah blah blah like dracula 🧛‍♂️