Archives for the month of: October, 2020

Totally been an over the top completely out of wack tough and rough week in … well mostly in my head. I mean there is a lot of things outside my control that are contributing to that too. My ability to navigate life organically was exhausted this week and I have been in anxiety & panic land. Its not pretty. 🤦‍♀️

I have really just been looking forward to being alone with my quilt and the tv. Everything else is almost too much. My heart feels like its racing, I feel like I need to gasp for air (I am not gasping though) and I know Im just having anxiety and insecurities.

My kids and pets have been wonderful though!

I like the animals best. Good friends. No stupid comments lol

How was your weekend? A question I casually ask my co-worker on Monday morning. But the question rotates in my head, it is an iceberg, and its actually aggressively flopping over on some unexpected kayakers… ok lol maybe not quite that dramatic.

But- I am going to say it. I found the weekend to be stressful. The mad delayed mad rush. The panicky moments. The division. The lack of belonging. I don’t want to do a minute catalogue/bitch fest… Deep down I feel lost. This isn’t where I am supposed to be. I want so much more.

I want my own home, and not someone else’s. Not someone else’s fucking moods or ideas. Captain of my own ship. Dang.

I might have googled cheapest houses in Canada lol yes I know thats a 6 months old article

I’m so tired of not feeling at home where I live/sleep.

I’m so tired of re-reading my previous journals etc and seeing how there has been a constant undercurrent of goddamned fuckery running through basically the entire thing… I feel so uncomfortable outside of my own retreat all the time ☹

Bah humbug. Is this the Mondays?

I guess my current feels are looking forward to not living with crazy. Not having the immediacy and sheer overwhelming loudness of the children, and my resentment for how much work they create for me and how many friggin times I have to ask them to do things or just do them myself. I want to be alone. I am tired. Everything feels like too much all the time and always the possibility of freedom and contentment like the beginnings of mountains in the distance. But after years of driving they don’t seem to get closer…

Ok fine I’m depressed as fuck about my life.

The joy starts when I shut my door and settle in with the furry creatures and the threads and let the tv just go. 😊 tea, liquor, doesn’t matter when I’m in the zone. Heck a full bottle of water is the main need ❤ I been letting Archer play, and the Office. Last night I think I watched like 4 episodes of Myths & Monsters. Well listened as I was watching my work.

Area Stark loves this quilt so much. She kept climbing onto the spot I was working on and I didn’t want to peel/roll her off but come on little lady lol

The back. I’ll admit it I have no idea what I am doing weeee😁

So the highlight of my weekend occurred when the world fucked off. I foresee myself finding a cabin in the woods- far the fuck away from people destroying the planet and literally everything else. All of it. Shhh

I’ve had enough. A little hurt. A little raw. Blah blah blah like dracula 🧛‍♂️

Good morning. Things are exciting in my world right now. Yesterday my car died. I do not relish finding out the cost of the necessary repairs. Today is my oldest child’s sweet 16! I ordered a vegan chocolate peanut butter cake for the weekend to take with us to my boyfriends. Not sure if I will have wheels to pick up the cake and go to the next town over… I guess its not worth worrying about. I will find out soon enough what the damage is.

I have been watching The 100 for a while now, I wanted to watch the last two episodes last night while I attempted hand quilting for the first time (besides the coaster I made). Watched episode 15, and there was no episode 16 last night. Its there today but it pisses me off because I planned on watching the two back to back. So I didnt get to and that makes me angsty because what the actual fuck. I planned this in my day planner for fucks sake and it makes no sense. Maybe because I live in Canada? sigh… I am not sure about watching it today during the day and this afternoon/evening should be some birthday celebrate oh and its a FULL MOON!!! 😮 😮 😮 and also I play Dungeons & Dragons on Thursday nights at 9. So we are full up and its just not fair. so I ended up watching way too many episodes of Archer instead lol.

Hoop! Threads! Needles!

So my stitches are not at all even. I bent the needle a bit 🤔 and tried all the thimbles but still didn’t quite get into a routine… I bet by the time I get through the entire thing I’ll feel a bit more comfortable.

Here’s hoping its not catastrophically expensive to fix 🤞
Love my boy ❤🤙

Well enjoy this nice autumn day folks 😁🍂🍁