Totally been an over the top completely out of wack tough and rough week in … well mostly in my head. I mean there is a lot of things outside my control that are contributing to that too. My ability to navigate life organically was exhausted this week and I have been in anxiety & panic land. Its not pretty. ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ

I have really just been looking forward to being alone with my quilt and the tv. Everything else is almost too much. My heart feels like its racing, I feel like I need to gasp for air (I am not gasping though) and I know Im just having anxiety and insecurities.

My kids and pets have been wonderful though!

I like the animals best. Good friends. No stupid comments lol

How was your weekend? A question I casually ask my co-worker on Monday morning. But the question rotates in my head, it is an iceberg, and its actually aggressively flopping over on some unexpected kayakersโ€ฆ ok lol maybe not quite that dramatic.

But- I am going to say it. I found the weekend to be stressful. The mad delayed mad rush. The panicky moments. The division. The lack of belonging. I donโ€™t want to do a minute catalogue/bitch festโ€ฆ Deep down I feel lost. This isnโ€™t where I am supposed to be. I want so much more.

I want my own home, and not someone elseโ€™s. Not someone elseโ€™s fucking moods or ideas. Captain of my own ship. Dang.

I might have googled cheapest houses in Canada lol yes I know thats a 6 months old article

Iโ€™m so tired of not feeling at home where I live/sleep.

Iโ€™m so tired of re-reading my previous journals etc and seeing how there has been a constant undercurrent of goddamned fuckery running through basically the entire thingโ€ฆ I feel so uncomfortable outside of my own retreat all the time โ˜น

Bah humbug. Is this the Mondays?

I guess my current feels are looking forward to not living with crazy. Not having the immediacy and sheer overwhelming loudness of the children, and my resentment for how much work they create for me and how many friggin times I have to ask them to do things or just do them myself. I want to be alone. I am tired. Everything feels like too much all the time and always the possibility of freedom and contentment like the beginnings of mountains in the distance. But after years of driving they donโ€™t seem to get closerโ€ฆ

Ok fine Iโ€™m depressed as fuck about my life.

The joy starts when I shut my door and settle in with the furry creatures and the threads and let the tv just go. ๐Ÿ˜Š tea, liquor, doesnโ€™t matter when Iโ€™m in the zone. Heck a full bottle of water is the main need โค I been letting Archer play, and the Office. Last night I think I watched like 4 episodes of Myths & Monsters. Well listened as I was watching my work.

Area Stark loves this quilt so much. She kept climbing onto the spot I was working on and I didnโ€™t want to peel/roll her off but come on little lady lol

The back. I’ll admit it I have no idea what I am doing weeee๐Ÿ˜

So the highlight of my weekend occurred when the world fucked off. I foresee myself finding a cabin in the woods- far the fuck away from people destroying the planet and literally everything else. All of it. Shhh

Iโ€™ve had enough. A little hurt. A little raw. Blah blah blah like dracula ๐Ÿง›โ€โ™‚๏ธ

Good morning. Things are exciting in my world right now. Yesterday my car died. I do not relish finding out the cost of the necessary repairs. Today is my oldest child’s sweet 16! I ordered a vegan chocolate peanut butter cake for the weekend to take with us to my boyfriends. Not sure if I will have wheels to pick up the cake and go to the next town over… I guess its not worth worrying about. I will find out soon enough what the damage is.

I have been watching The 100 for a while now, I wanted to watch the last two episodes last night while I attempted hand quilting for the first time (besides the coaster I made). Watched episode 15, and there was no episode 16 last night. Its there today but it pisses me off because I planned on watching the two back to back. So I didnt get to and that makes me angsty because what the actual fuck. I planned this in my day planner for fucks sake and it makes no sense. Maybe because I live in Canada? sigh… I am not sure about watching it today during the day and this afternoon/evening should be some birthday celebrate oh and its a FULL MOON!!! ๐Ÿ˜ฎ ๐Ÿ˜ฎ ๐Ÿ˜ฎ and also I play Dungeons & Dragons on Thursday nights at 9. So we are full up and its just not fair. so I ended up watching way too many episodes of Archer instead lol.

Hoop! Threads! Needles!

So my stitches are not at all even. I bent the needle a bit ๐Ÿค” and tried all the thimbles but still didn’t quite get into a routine… I bet by the time I get through the entire thing I’ll feel a bit more comfortable.

Here’s hoping its not catastrophically expensive to fix ๐Ÿคž
Love my boy โค๐Ÿค™

Well enjoy this nice autumn day folks ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ‚๐Ÿ

It was a very busy day, fraught with technical issues and barely a moment to breath…. which means it was past 11 before I had a moment to myself…

Which turned into a lot of moments ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ๐ŸŒœ

I cut templates, sewed a few hexies and enjoyed not being bugged.

Got to wondering about the future of my self neglect ๐Ÿค” my habits are not sustainable I fear lol

They say we are now in second wave of covid19 and our cases have shot waayyy up ๐Ÿ™ no one is happy about this.

Everyone likes the fit of these so far ๐Ÿ‘

And now I sleep lol

Happy living ๐Ÿค™๐Ÿ‚๐Ÿฆ

Good evening friends,

I’m completely brain obsessed with fabric & quilting right now. I watched a cool documentary on youtube today.

Craft in America, Quilt episode

It brought up sooo much for me.

My love of history and how things are connected. Objects like these old quilts provide a glimpse into the lives of people. Both everyday and special occasion. ๐Ÿค™(Paranormal/Ghost stories also hook me in with tons of old stories, old architecture & a connection to the present ๐Ÿ‘ป

So many huge concepts to expand upon! Colonization, slavery, hope, freedom, war, unity… and the day to day. The utilitarian needs of the people ๐Ÿค” These stories touch me, and it is so incredibly easy to make me cry ๐Ÿ˜ฅ

And of course I started thinking of who my family are and where they come from. I got to wondering if I should try to map some of this out in an artistic format ๐Ÿค” + nature + animals +music ๐Ÿ‡จ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐Ÿ‡บ๐Ÿ‡ฆ๐ŸŒฒ๐ŸŽ๐ŸŽต the problem is that I want to do too much lol lol lol

Unlike so many of the people I see lecturing or discussing quilting, I had no quilter in my family growing up. My Baba cross stitched. My mom could sew I knew but I dont really remember her sewing. When I think of my earliest quilt related memory, I think of a picture I drew in an old journal of a horse. I wanted to turn that into a quilt. I have no idea where I got the idea from. I feel like I was maybe 12 and maybe in BC when I drew it.

These 4″ squares came in the mail (100) cause I ordered them ๐Ÿ˜€ I have no plans. I will get to make some ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ˜‹

Finally getting somewhere with these masks. I’m waiting for some elastic to come in the mail to finish them off. At first glance you’d think- there’s enough here and I am done making them.

There is enough for kids and I to have two (my mom said she wanted some though too I think… I’m not sure what fabric she would like ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ) I have a cute bunny print I want to use too but it hasnt been prewashed so… not committed. Some are tighter pleated than others, I’ll get the full experience of how and who they fit shortly lol.

I screenshot this one today. I like the forward fold & button ๐Ÿ˜โค๐Ÿค™maybe I’ll try 1 like that next round.

I am loving this audiobook soo much ๐Ÿฅฐ

Now I need to beat myself into bed even though I feel like I have only scratched the surface of what I am trying to say lol

๐ŸŒœโญ๐Ÿ˜ด

This work week hasnt been too busy (*so far๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿ‘Œ), but my personal life has gotten thicker needs & as I am working from home these challenges fill in the work blanks. It used to be that we would be slow in the office and I would be all bent out of shape knowing so many things need my attention at home. Now that I am here I love that I can wear my hammer pants and silk skirts and random fashion mashups without fear! I can throw on laundry or lunch and if I get a bad tummy no one notices lol i do miss some of the work interactions and stuff. I miss a couple of my coworkers too. Others are just as frustrating to deal with from afar haaaaaa ๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ˜ฌ

Being on top of the kids remote schooling (gr 8 and gr 6) and remote/minimal 2-3 single class school for my gr 11 is a whole nuther animal ๐Ÿ…โ˜„ I have to be tech support and scheduling and motivation and cook lol ๐ŸŒ‹ I cant tell you the amount of times Ive suddenly exclaimed “shit!” Realizing I missed making sure we all friggin brush our teeth and stuff like that ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ˜ฌ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‹ Yesterday I managed to make a buncha phone calls and do some important emails and felt pretty good about the amount of productive I had achieved. But yeah~ realized I forgot to brush the teeth in the morning ๐Ÿ™„ bah. I mean to set myself a bunch of alarms but also and quietly pushing back… I can only guess its because I’m difficult and dont like to follow directions when given authoritatively. Ha.

I laid my partially done blocks on an old sheet. My splurging with the pink and purple really hijacked my plan ๐Ÿค” I’m going to bulk them up with the neutrals & see what it looks like then.

I’m not sure about greeny here though ๐Ÿค” when I see it laid out I think I should trim it out. Or cover it with like applique butterflies in the neutrals or… put it on the back or … maybe thats my very centre square… the nucleus so to speak ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ‘Œ

I need to not have that much suture like stitches showing I think. And I might like it maybe but I’m not sure. I think I’m afraid other people will think I’m lazy (I am and am not to both extents randomly so ๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ’ช).

So I proved to myself I could stitch em less obviouslike ๐Ÿค”

I have so many things I want to do I feel paralyzed by indecision ๐Ÿคฏ๐Ÿคช I guess I should make more masks first though.

I am really super interested in whole food plant based eating right now. We are a year in, or a little more actually. I am super interested in nutrition, and in growing things. I want to know more about permaculture, food forests, organic growing, soil culture/structure/biology/ecology gahrgleblah. I do not need or want more student debt. I’m looking for free online things to start (of which there are a plethora) and I know slow and steady… but I am

Fast as fast can be ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜‹๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ˜Ž

And prone to spontaneity ๐Ÿ˜

I am consistently pushing the limits of bedtime and I know I shouldnt but I just love it when the house is quiet and no one is bugging. For some unknown reason I signed up for a 10:30pm online lesson entitled Food for Health. I settled in to take notes but realized it was basically review for me so I stitched together the hexies happily until I stitched one on the wrong way lol.

From afar you’ll never see the small imperfections. I kind of love ’em. I’ve considered really highlighting them ๐Ÿ˜ ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ‘

Since this is on the warm side maybe I’ll pare it with cool dark purples… or? What do you think?

New england asters and goldenrod… gorgeous ๐Ÿ˜

I’m dead tired tho so goodnight ๐Ÿ˜ด๐ŸŒ 

So this week I have no focus ๐Ÿคช just waayyy behind and rushing from thing to thing to thing leaving the previous thing only partially adressed. Ok ๐Ÿ˜Ž

It attracts the lint ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคช
๐Ÿคฃ

Its been a chaotic week. I got 2/3 kids school requirements sorted ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐ŸŽตbut dont be sad ~ two outta three aint bad๐ŸŽถ lol she agrees!

Big changes are coming ๐Ÿค™

I’ve been thinking I should aim to post at the same time everyday or on some kind of schedule… yeah I do that! Spend time thinking about how to get organized- run out of time, no organization in sight ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ

I have ADHD. Sometimes things that shouldn’t be overwhelming are hella overwhelming for me. Prioritizing and organizing tasks ppffftttt my tasks are in the tornado and its all spinning around out of control. Neat. Ooohhh wicked witch ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿค—๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ

Lately I’ve been wanting to say a lot more on here (but I’m writing this from the bathroom and my bfs waiting for me in bed lmao so I gotta go!!!๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ)

Spent time sewing in the sunlight today๐Ÿ˜ it was well worth it ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜Ž the daylight is so much better than the useless lights I use at night.

Dont mind the mess ๐Ÿ˜
New audiobook from library

Started listening to this while sewing- its good ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ‘Œ

Beautiful vegetable barley soup i made from scratch ๐Ÿ˜
My sweet Khan

Anyways I’m more than out of time ๐ŸŒœ

Keep smiling people!

I need a design board ๐Ÿค” or wall… anything other than the floor ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ (espescially cause I cannot run the vacuum when the house is asleep)[well I can]{its just not recommended ๐Ÿคญ}

Excuse the grungy floor… too many hairy critters about to be sure…โท

The purple cotton keeps bunching up… but since I didn’t prewash any of these cottons it won’t matter ๐Ÿ˜œ and crinkles will be here to stay.

Anyways… I’m going to use the dark material for the back.

I just need to decide what size this baby is going to be… I’m at a point where I’m feeling selfish about my hobby… I want them all for me lol!!! ๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ but they cant all be queen size… or can they? Hmmm ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ so yeah what size is this one going to end up? ๐Ÿค” we will find out in the future!

My garden rainbow๐ŸŒˆ

Anyways its d&d tonight so I gotta get my head on backwards lol